Monday, July 15, 2013

Turning point

Well things came to a head, I couldn't go on anymore in pain so I poured my heart out to Master. I told him that I was scared he wanted to leave me, and how sad I'd been recently. He reassured me that he wasn't thinking of leaving or unhappy with us but more melancholy in general and we got to thinking how he must be in some ways going through a bipolar depression.

The problem has been that he hasn't been telling me how he feels and so I didn't see the sign of depression, and since he's been so busy and active with work it hasn't occurred to me that this could be the problem. We had a long good talk for the first time in ages and told each other what we need and both committed to making more effort to work things out for both of us. Of course things don't get fixed overnight but I feel better that we've talked and tried to get to the bottom of things.

I also did a little research into low testosterone and feel this may be a cause of his low moods/lack of libido. I found some sites that talk about how to boost testosterone naturally and I've made some notes for Master to go over. For me it's strange because I've never been with a man that has suffered low libido before and it's difficult to grasp considering the majority of men having greater libido than women. I'd love to hear if anyone has had this problem or know of anyone and how they dealt with it.

I'm hoping this is a turning point for us and feel positive about things for the first time in a while. If I had experienced this at earlier times in my life I may have given up and feel proud that I tried to work through it, and am committed so to this relationship.

I also think having the blog here has helped even just to vent and clarify things in my mind.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Not Used Or Abused

Things aren’t so great. Why else would I be here. I took a long time off updating this blog because I was living life, loving Master, studying, being a pro Domme and generally doing other stuff. But now I come back, for the outlet, and in the hope that maybe someone out there knows what I’m going through, can understand or maybe even give advice. I need help. Maybe all I need to do is write it down, but blogs are more than diaries because you know someone will actually read them. It’s always helped before.

Master and I have been living happily a number of years but over the last 6-12months the sexual side of our relationship has been waning. My libido is going strong and Master’s has all but disappeared. His work has gotten more complicated, greater responsibility and more stress, and these are the reasons he has stated to be the problem. This is fine and I try to understand and be there for him to help him relax and all that goes with being a true slave and sexual submissive.

I recently stopped working and Master encouraged this, I am to maintain the house at a higher standard with my new spare time and I feel I have been doing that well. He initially appreciated coming home to a cooked meal every night, having shirts ironed and a clean home. But now things seemed to have changed. There has grown a distance between us, from his side. Now we don’t have sex and he won’t cuddle me like he used to, and when I try and instigate affection he seems to clam up. He does all the polite things like a kiss here and an ‘I love you’ there but really its surface level and when you’ve been with someone long enough you know something is wrong.

Because of all this I’ve become very depressed, I need sex and I need physical affection, and some kinky shit wouldn’t go astray either. Because of all the spare time (I’m on Uni holidays as well at the moment) I sit around and think of all the things I might be doing wrong or could do better. Then I think of the fact that he must be cheating because he used to be such a sexual person, and while I’m mostly sure this isn’t happening, my brain will just latch onto the tiniest thing and turn it into something it’s not. I know if I was happier and more sexually satisfied I wouldn’t be thinking like this.

I did realise that money is probably another stress factor and brought this up with Master and he agreed but hadn’t wanted to tell me because he thought I had enough to deal with lately (my father is very ill). I was shocked to know he had kept this from me, and even though I realised he was trying to be the provider and didn’t want to admit I needed to start chipping in again, I was angry that he hadn’t told me because I felt we could have avoided some of this tension. So I agreed to get more work and have been working on things to get some money for us. But the tension is still there. I know I need to give it time but still I get bothered by the lack of touch, such a simple but powerful thing when it is lacking.

The other problem I realise is because I am so desperate for his affection, sex, pain, kink, touch, and for our relationship to get back to the good times, I am coming across as desperate and that it must be turning him off even more, pushing him away. He stays later at work and I know he wants to be around me less even though he doesn’t see me all day. I feel like he is at this stage where I’m not interesting or exciting anymore, like I am actually the opposite of that, always there, always the same old same old. And the very thing that attracted him in the first place, my availability as a sexual submissive, willing to fuck at a moment’s notice and do anything at any time, has actually turned around to be the thing he can’t stand. There is no challenge anymore. And he is the type of person in work and play that needs a challenge.

So then I think I need to be more aloof, have my own things to do, be around less, make him jealous, but all of those things seem like games to me and I hate games. They also aren’t what being a sub is about. I want to serve not manipulate. I also want to take the high road and say I’ve done nothing wrong, but neither has he and so what to do? I don’t know what to do. I’m hoping it will pass but I need to put some effort in, I know that. But in what direction? I’ve given up trying to seduce him because I’m sick of the rejection, and I realised that he likes to do the chasing so when I’m horny and come on strong it doesn’t work. I’m not giving up either, I’m too far into this thing to give up so easily. I’d like to say that I had the balls to threaten to leave him but I don’t because if he says ‘let’s break up’ I would be crushed. I’ve told him how I feel, about the sex and the physical affection and so he knows that, and really I just think that it feeds into the desperate image again. I’m wracking my brain and my heart about what to do. I may come across like I’m some mad bitch trying to hold onto something that isn’t working but I’ve fought hard for this man, taken care of him when he has been ill, worked for both of us when he couldn’t, cooked every meal, washed all his clothes, cleaned our house for years and I just can’t give up.

I hate to come back to you all, if you are still out there and reading, wanting help, but as I said above it has really helped me in the past.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Back Again

Hai again! It’s been months since my last post and in some ways I thought it was the end of Used and Abused. I’ve just finished my first year at Uni and I’ve been doing a lot of reading and writing, not all of it interesting. Then the other day I get a comment from Florida Dom, a long-time reader, asking me if I was ever coming back. It got me thinking maybe I didn’t want to give up on the blog after all. Then I was going through some old files, organising my hard drive, and found some old blog posts -original, filthy fuckdoll shit, and I was like ‘where did that bitch go’? Then I looked through some porn and had a wank to Sasha Grey getting gangbanged, and realised she hasn’t gone anywhere.

I’ve been studying and being in love, basically. Master and I are so deeply in love and have moments of just falling deeper for each other. And yet not much sex. I mean there is always something; medications, me working late, too drunk, too lazy, too hot, too cold, need a shower...on and on. We are an old married couple, and not in a bad way. Back when I was writing, and having my dirtiest sex, I was newly single and fucking everyone. I don’t want to fuck everyone now, I just want to fuck Master. I want him to fuck me, use and abuse me. I want to combine what we had then with what we have now. The way I see it, relationships take effort and I can’t whinge about the things I want without making an effort to get them.

The plan is to get a bit more healthy/fit/slim, feel better about myself and make more effort to fire up Master’s libido. Wearing my collar more, wakeup blowjobs, and meeting him in various states of undress when he gets home from work, are just a few ideas.

So here’s to blogging again, and lots more kinky shit.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Generation Gap

So I really felt the age difference at Uni today. The lecturer was discussing an advertisement from 1985 and he asked everyone to put their hand up if they were alive in 1985. Me and about 3 other people of maybe 2-300 people put their hand up. Far out, I realised all these people are only 18 or 19, maybe 20...they were most likly born in the 90’s. Wow.
Later on my tutor made a joke about Scully from X-Files and only me and one other guy laughed, and then I realised they probably don’t know X-Files. Oh God.
So then the gap got even bigger when I started to sprout these opinions that I realised were being looked down upon because they were, in these people’s eyes, quite archaic. Man I feel old, and not old in the age sense...more like out of touch or out of my depth. More stuff happened, like some Youtube viral clip was being shown and all I could do was cringe. I hate the term ‘viral’...don’t even get me started on the inanity of the videos themselves. Uggggg... *old sad face*

Then there is the problem of not being ‘out’ about my work or my lifestyle (D/s) at Uni, not that I want to tell everyone it’s just I’m not used to hiding it. I have for a long time been only in a circle of people I can be completely honest with, and I love that. At the same time I’m completely out of practice having to watch what I say and not really being truly myself...I don’t like that.

In case you haven’t worked out by now the next three years this blog will be about me whinging about Uni. Hope that’s ok n’ stuff.

Anyway, better get back to it. (Where are my glasses and walker?)

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Must. Do. Everything.

Man Uni is crazy. It’s only the third week and I’m already feeling stressed. The problem with me is I’m a perfectionist. I’m either doing nothing, being lazy and loving it or if I decide to do something I go full tilt. So I’m really giving myself a hard time about assignments and having brain meltdowns trying to keep up with readings and lecture content. I just can’t do a half assed job at something, I MUST do it perfect the first time or not at all; which means I often quit things before I start.

Master and I arrived home the other day, late at night after both of us finished work and I’d been to Uni earlier in the day. We walked into the kitchen, turned the light on and masses of tiny cockroaches scattered for shelter. Master got quite frustrated and I looked around at the dirty dishes and burst into tears. “I’m a bad slave!” I sobbed. I felt like I had let him down. He took me in his arms and hugged me for a long time. “You can’t do everything” he reassured me. “But I want to be able to do it all”. Housework, work and school should all be doable, right? Well, maybe the dishes can sometimes wait, and the clothes will eventually get washed. I do need to realise I can’t do everything, and things won’t always be perfect.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Mardi Gras 2011

Wow, what a full on week I’ve had. Last week was my first week at Uni. I know that’s a lot of week but I couldn’t work out how else to start my post. LOL. I’ve decided to stay at my 40 hours a week at work and even though a lot of that time was taken up with nothing before, now I have to use all the spare time I have for reading and assignments. Then I have 9 hours a week ‘contact time’ which means lectures and tutorials. It may not sound like a lot but they say for each contact hour you should be doing 2-3 hours in your own time, and I can see how 3 hours would be easily chewed up by all the reading I have to do. Now you can see why I haven’t blogged all week. Complaining aside I’m really enjoying the course so far; I even don’t mind doing the assignments I kind of don’t want to do (Does that make sense?). So after that explanation you can all forgive me for gaps in posts, I truly do want to continue to write here. (Note: must point out to Master how much I apologise on the blog)

On the weekend Master and I marched in the Sydney Mardi Gras. It was my second time and Master’s first time and we both had a ball. I knew what to expect, but Master was just blown away by how great it feels. It’s very liberating to march up the middle of a usually busy main road, surrounded on either side by throngs of people cheering for you. No matter what banner you march under it’s a wonderful experience. We marched this year for Scarlet Alliance, a Sydney based organisation that deals with sex worker rights. It was great to have Master there proudly supporting me as a sex worker. Some of our friends were also in the parade as fetishist, latex ponies and the polyamorous. It was really an awesome night.

My sister is in town this week so we won’t be able to go to our favourite monthly kink party. I thought about taking her but I think it’s best to keep it as a space for Master and myself. I know she would be completely fine with what goes on there, if a little shocked, but I know we couldn’t be as free in that space as we usually could. There will be a plenty more parties so it’s not too much of a sacrifice considering I don’t see my sister often.

Bai xx

P.S I’ll try and have some juicy stories to tell you by next time.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011



Just wanted to pop in and say I haven't gone anywhere, and also thank those who commented and made my welcome back so nice.

Second day of Uni today and lots of reading to do, also work has picked up too so I'm pretty busy. But I'll find time for you all I promise. ASAP.